And Showing Up

Happy Christmas Eve All!

Not that I am into celebrating Christmas perse, either the religious holiday or the marketing one, but it seems the most inocuous of greetings at this time.

It is a special time of the year, and perhaps it's only me, but it does seem that this year has changed almost all the dynamics in my life, including those surrounding the holidays.  For the first time since I was a kid, I feel as though I feel the energy of this moment rather than struggling desperately to feel some outer joy that just wasn't real.

I just got done talking to both my sister and my niece back home in S. My sister and I have arranged a phone call for tomorrow so my son (who's now 16 1/2) can talk to his aunt and cousins back in the home country.  I've had a number of homes so far, but can I tell you how I'm hoping the next one will be one of more lasting quality than some in the past have been?  I've been gone for almost 20 years, with very little communication.  No big dysfunctional family drama, just lives drifted apart on different paths.  I've been revisiting experiences all over my life, and continue to be surprised at the loving acceptance I am experiencing now, even in situations that would never have seemed based in love at all.  I love catching up with my niece, who's so like me, who seems to be absolutely without a drum to bang in the world. 

Healings are happening, and it seems that some things perhaps require no healing at all.  I have expected in days past to hear from you somehow.  Just a feeling, a feeling I usually get right before you make your next appearance in my life.  It would be wonderful, I can't possibly deny it....nor do I want to.  Nor should I have to at this point.  That it is the biggest wish beating in my heart this season is without doubt.  How's that song go...the one they've been playing on the radio for weeks...day in and day out....

I don't want a lot for christmas...there is just one thing I need.....

But it's been an excellent time so far, though disjointed and up and down as ever.  M is out with his dad, making up for lost time for both of them, and I sit here contented (for the most part), eating cookies and finishing up L's secret santa drawing.  I'm looking forward to tomorrow for the first time in the longest time, and find myself strangely optimistic about the future....